Over the last week, Linda and I went to see two of the biggest movie bombs of the year. Our first trip into cinema disfavor was to see “White House Down.” That adventure was followed shortly by a sojourn to see the artistic and economic disaster known as “The Lone Ranger.” Both of these films have become box office flops despite the presence of big star power, the nearly iconic Jamie Foxx in “WHD,” and the truly iconic Johnny Depp in “The Lone Ranger.” Linda and I fall outside of the demographics at which, I am sure, these films were aimed, so maybe we can judge them more objectively than lots of filmgoers.
We loved “White House Down.” So did a lot of critics. I think people didn’t go see it because of the trailers on TV. It just looked like another “Independence Day,” let’s blow up a bunch of D.C. landmarks movie. It was that. . .and lots more. It was suspenseful, exciting, silly, funny, and a good way to spend a couple hours on a humid afternoon. Channing Tatum is a hunk to be reckoned with as he guns down and snaps the necks of several dozen homegrown terrorists. Linda thought he was pretty cool, but of course, no rival to Mark Harmon. Jamie Foxx’s POTUS comes off as human and funny and courageous, and James Woods as the Secret Service guy is his usual wonderfully snakey self. (Watch for the moment when they bring his wife in to talk him. It’s great!) The best performance for me was by the littlest actor, Joey King, a darling 13 year-old, who looks about 10, as Tatum’s incredibly brave and smart daughter caught in the middle of the White House mess. This little one is really good, and there’s a maturity about her 13 year old face and demeanor. Joey seems to be older than her years while still maintaining an innocence and vulnerability. There are weaknesses in the film. According to this tale, virtually every member of the Secret Service is a moron! Also, I was troubled by why they had to summon a rocket from an underground silo in Nebraska or some such midwestern place to shoot down Air Force 2. Wouldn’t there be an easier way. And finally, the body count was a little bit over the top, and the film was at least 20 minutes too long, but virtually every movie I see is at least 20 minutes too long. Still, “White House Down” was no downer! (Lord, that’s an awful concluding sentence. It reminds me of the titles of some of the bad film reviews that my English 12 students wrote years ago. I didn’t say they were all bad, now!)
We did not love “The Lone Ranger.” Being of the era of the original Lone Ranger (see photo), we tried but could find little to like much less love. It was as if the Disney creators of this film tried to jam every possible plot line and theme they could imagine into a movie that was at least 2 hours too long. Also, the Lone Ranger is an icon of bravery and justice. He is not a common-senseless nerd as played by Armie Hammer. Another, also--Tonto is not an idiot even though his name means that in Spanish. He is the embodiment of the true friend. Why Johnny Depp, etal., thought it would be funny to have him come across as a silly, bad-skinned Native American version of Captain Jack Sparrow with a dead raven on his head, I cannot guess. I am worrying about Johnny, who has been one of my favorites. Barnabas Collins and now this!! At least Tonto didn’t have any gold teeth! Another also, everyone in the movie is completely forgettable. I doubt we will ever hear of the actress who plays the Ranger’s love interest again. I’ve already forgotten her name. (And by the way, Disney, the Lone Ranger does not have love interests! He is an “Adamic” hero in the pre-Eve stage.) And also, also, also, Tom Wilkinson, one of my favorite actors, did your contract include the clause that you were allowed to hide behind that ridiculous beard while playing the heartless, and apparently something else-less, villain! Finally, let me mention something good--I found a couple of the things they did with the horse, Silver to be modestly clever. The horse’s role was by far the most intelligent in the film. Finally, finally, I know the story of the Lone Ranger from beginning to end. I had the 78 rpm record “The Legend of the Lone Ranger” when I was 7 years old and played it over and over for years. I remember Captain Dan Reed. Butch Cavendish, Bryant Gap where “Collins, their guide, had lied,” and can still recite parts from memory. Maybe a 10 year-old who has never heard of the Lone Ranger would enjoy this new film. I can’t imagine anyone else would. It’s just too STUPID! And a final also, “kemo sabe” means faithful friend, now and forever.
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