FYI: How To Kill A Zombie!

As I've mentioned before in my blog, I really enjoy horror movies and horror stories. I read an article last week that suggested that horror films are particularly successful during times of economic difficulty. I guess the idea is that having a werewolf chaw on your leg is a lot worse than seeing your 401K in the tank. Two current hits on the silver screen would suggest the truth of this theory. Both PARANORMAL ACTIVITY and ZOMBIELAND have been selling a lot of tickets. But the horror folks have gone too far even for me. I discovered today that Mattel is producing TWILIGHT BARBIE. Yes, a Barbie-esque Bella and Kennish Edward are already being sold in Canada and due in the U.S. soon. Is this the end of society as we know it? Are nine year olds expected to play TWILIGHT with their dolls? Will instructions come with the dolls warning the kids that if BellaBarb touches EdwardKen for too long that Bella might just get ravaged like Barbie never dreamed of being ravaged? Will EdKen come with special cream to polish his alabaster skin and onyx eyes? What will BellaBarb say when EdKen rips out the throat of Skipper's dog and drinks its blood? Maybe Hellmouth has really opened up in Sunnydale and the demon marketers are here in full force.

I've always thought things happen for a reason. I have been working on a young adult horror novel called ZOMBIES 'R' US for awhile. Last week I was pondering what a teenager, when faced with the prospect of what to do about a zombie, who had murdered his gym teacher, might do to dispatch this representative of the undead. Why the kid would "google" for a solution of course. So I really googled "How Do You Kill A Zombie?" I was overwhelmed with responses. The best one came from an on-line periodical called the PORTLAND MERCURY. So I can give their advice to you in the event that some zombie tries to sell you an aberration called TWILIGHT BARBIE for Christmas. The answer to the question posed in this posting's title follows:

“DECAPITATION.

To kill zombies, you need to destroy their brains. The most surefire route is simply lopping off the cranium with a chainsaw, machete, or samurai sword. Mind the follow-through, however-- anything less than 100 percent severance just isn't good enough.

BLUDGEONING.

Any blunt object--from a baseball bat to a brick--wielded with suitable force at the cranium will destroy the brain. But be quick on your feet and keep your eye on the target, slugger--when you're this close to a zombie, miss even once and you might as well just hand your brains to the zombie on a silver platter.

BURNING.

Don't have the convenience of a sniper rifle to take out zombies from afar? The next best thing is a Molotov cocktail--just make sure the zombies are far enough away so they'll be reduced to ashes before they can shamble after you.

EXPLODING.

A solid technique, but one that requires heavy weaponry. In the chaos that will doubtlessly strike an urban center after a zombie infestation, make your way to a military storehouse or a morally dubious pawn shop and acquire a rocket launcher. Then shoot, load, and repeat.”

That oughta do it!!